Transformation Aint For The Faint Of Heart #HowWeValue

April 3, 2024 | By Alexandra Meda

This week I finally looked into the mirror, into my own eyes and talked to myself. Something you would think a woo woo like me would love doing, but I can’t. It’s cringe. But sometimes ya gotta lean into cringe to take a step forward.

I told myself a truth: You did it, bitch. You built this life. And yes, things are hard everyday but—You are no longer that kid trying to build a life of art making and business building and change making. You still feel like that little kid who didn’t feel acknowledged or supported, who parented her parents, who lived in her car for more months than I will ever admit. I had a fire burning so hot, it burned you all the time. But you’ve learned to hydrate.

I know you still feel so. freaking. far. away. from where you want to be, but for the love of Jesus Cristo can you just stop and allow yourself to fully move on from that reactive old you? The one that was ready for battle every second of every day?

Because you aren’t in your battle era anymore. You spent enough time grieving that era and all the reasons why you were in it for so long.

You are in the refining era. The breathing era. The clean it up era.

You get to be vulnerable now. You kind of know yourself. And more importantly, you are known and loved by those you respect and hold close.

What would it look like for you to accept that You’ve built something. A whole ass life.

You have work.

You have colleagues.

You have built things.

You have the wisdom of many failures.

You have adventured.

You have been hurt but still have so much love flowing out. You are Magic. You have Dreams.

What would it feel like to live in acceptance, turning the page and starting with the confidence that all that battling, learning, and transforming earned you?

You have done some transforming.

So why can’t you breathe easier? Why are you still so mean to yourself in your mind?

It was a long chat.

I’m embarrassed to write about it, but I feel strongly that I am supposed to invite anyone who has had that kind of talk with themselves, or who still needs to whip out that mirror and sit themselves down, and tell themselves: we have so much to celebrate, because I am still here.

I don’t know if I can separate the idea or my understanding of what it is to transform from my experience over 17 years at Luna. It has transformed me. I have watched it transform, I have been a part of that transforming. I have been stuck, I have been inspired, I have grown, I have harmed, I have been harmed, I have wanted to leave, I have wanted to close it down, I have wanted to honor what it was, what it is, what it could be but never quite reaches.

I share this because we should all be sharing more about how fucking hard it is to sustain and adapt. To build. To instigate. To try something artistically that isn’t cool yet. Isn’t already proven. To work outside of the “systems” and best practices and all of that.

I share this because I just want more of us to be told it actually is not about winning, or succeeding, but about being delusional enough to keep trying.

Is transforming shedding a skin or adding layers? Do we still transform after we shut something down, after we pass? after all the afters? I think so. I hope so. I need it to be so.